MostOrdinary: 2015

Friday, December 11, 2015

Stay true

It's interesting to look back in time and see who you were 11 months ago, isn't it? The year is drawing to a close and yeah even though my New Years resolution was to get fit and take risks- without those two things happening I'm still okay.

I want to talk about putting yourself first.

So, I've been single much longer than I've ever been in any relationship combined. I'm really good at it. I'm like REEEEALLY good at it. Half the time (because I've watched so many SVU episodes) if a guy wants to take me on a date I assume it's because he's going to try and kidnap me. So naturally staying home and writing or binge watching Bob's Burgers is how I like to spend the little time I do have to myself.

Here recently I came into a relationship. I wish I could bash this guy and tell you how terrible it all was but I can't. He could cook, he held doors open for me, he was a very rare type of decent human being, and I got foot rubs for no reason. I KNOW RIGHT?! Well, somewhere along the way life noticed that things were going too well and thought "lol this will be so funny..." And started throwing some curve balls right smack dab at us.

We are both really strong people so we overcame. It took some spats and real relationship-ing but we nailed it! Until we didn't.

There was an issue with distance and the longer time went on the less of an opportunity there was to spend time together and that distance? Felt like it just grew longer and longer into it eventually made its way into the emotional state of our relationship. (See what I did there? Clever girl.)

Breaking up is hard. It just is. No one likes kicking over a puppy, no one likes dropping glass on the floor, and no one likes breaking up. It's difficult enough it could be some type of awarded event. At the end of the day though, I'm glad we had the conversation we did because I stuck up for my heart.

Then I realized: that's the first time in any relationship I've ever done that.

Woah.

I'm super bad at being a girlfriend (I forget how to sometimes) buying presents is overwhelming, picking places to go to eat gives me anxiety, directions to meet anyone to anywhere ever are too complicated for me. But when my heart is in something, it's a game changer.

I've come a long enough way that I stuck up for my heart without even realizing. By having the conversation and pointing out that I'm not receiving what I was putting into us, no matter how hard he tried, we weren't on the same emotional plane. Instead of ignoring it though and letting it continue, I said something.

Why are we so afraid to talk to someone that is supposed to be one of our best friends about something so personal and delicate like our heart? Shouldn't that be something that we do what we can to protect? I refuse to believe that shutting everyone out is heart protection. That's just silly. What it comes down to though is that at the end of the day you are yours and only yours. You only have control over what you do and how you feel BUT you are also the only one in control enough to change it.

So speak up and put yourself first.

Just do it! It'll be great.

It's okay to say "hey, I don't like ____" or "I just want you to understand I feel _______ way about _______" we are in a different time. Women don't need to be meek and shy and afraid to be a girlfriend. We get to be ourselves which is who we should ultimately stick up for.

Ya dig?

Maybe after some time his and my paths will cross again and circumstances can be different and we will try again. Maybe the exact opposite will happen. Who knows? Not I. What I do know though is that I'm strong enough to say exactly how I feel, when I feel it, and not just hide behind a smile regretting what I should have said.

Breaking up is terrible. It is literally the worst, but what is worse than that is lying to yourself about your happiness and remaining ignorant to your feelings. Don't be that person. Stop it. Your happiness is what should be top priority to you- if it's not your number one it should be. I'm not saying go rob a bank because all that cash will make you happy. I'm saying that you will find inner peace and happiness by remaining true and honest with yourself always.

Until next time kittens,

Jess