The Undateable Girl
There is always a story, right? Sometimes it's that your friend set you up with a serial killer. Sometimes it's that you can't figure out if your blind date just didn't show or if he turned around after he saw you and left. Wanna feel better about your bad dates?
My theory is that when I want to actually date someone, besides picking them myself, it'll just happen. The first date won't involve strippers, fires, projectile vomiting, or having to pay my own bill. Until then, here are my top 5 worst dates of all time- brace yourself. You're going to laugh until you pee a little (and that's okay).
5. The one that was Peter Pan:
I do not condone Tinder- I just don't. Because while there are exceptions to every rule and story, the majority of the men on there are pigs. LIKE REAL PIGS- there was one that on the “about me” he said he was just looking for someone to take to a wedding this weekend and hook up with, before he went back to his wife.
YEAH.
Well, I was already over Tinder by this point, but there was one guy that was super kind and wouldn't leave me alone. I worried that I was being cat-fished or was going to end up on a dateline exclusive after meeting him, but I agreed just so that I could delete the app and feel better while at the same time being nice.
This kid hounded me man, I finally said we could grab a cup of coffee or tea. I was already lazy towards the idea so I invited him to meet me close to work. When I got off I met him wearing a cloth vest and a tank, exposing both half sleeves that I have. When I came to the table he stood up to greet me and he was about 3 or 4 inches shorter than I was. It didn't really bother me, in fact he didn't really bother me- yet. The next fifteen minutes all he did was talk about himself. It was a monologue I swear, and then when I finally got a chance to talk it would somehow turn back to how he hated what the story was about. For example:
“How many tattoos do you have?”, “I have so many. I love tattoos, I actually wanted my first one when I was seventeen!”, “Yeah my friend wants to get a tattoo, I don’t really like them. I don't understand how someone could put something on their body when they don't know how they are going to feel about it in ten years…”
“I like going out when I'm in the mood, I usually go hard when I'm out!”, “yeah I don't like going out that much. I hardly ever drink, if I have more than one drink it's one drink too many. I just don't see how people our age can think binge drinking is okay…”, “I don't think binge drinking it okay by any means. I just like the atmosphere when I'm with good people!”, “yeah, I don't know I guess I just don't get it.”
Awesome.
Naturally making any form of conversation was hard so I let him go back to talking about himself. He told me that he had a brother, worked with kids, but his real passion was acting. I don't have any problem with actors and aspirations- I want to be a writer for Glamour and make a book, have a clothing line, and make music, so I judge no one on their passions. At this point however I had had just about enough of this guy so the noun actor and the way he said it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He was too belittling when he said it to me. He told me that he was going to audition for the role of Peter Pan for the community theatre and my filter dissolved as I answered, “THAT’S perfect, you totally look like Peter Pan.” By looking like Peter Pan I really meant, “you looked like Shaliene Woodley” and on that note I made up some excuse about rush hour traffic and that I needed to get going. Forty-five whole minutes of listening to his monologue on how much he hated basically everything that I did was enough for me.
He said that he had to be leaving too- there was no way he could have possibly thought that it had went well, there was tension from both of us- so when I stood up and he went for a hug (hopefully just a hug) I held out my hand to shake his. He asked me for my phone number and said that he'd text me later. This was obviously the one time I was thankful that guys that say “I'll call you…” Don't actually follow through. Oh my goodness.
When I went back to the girls at work I was so defeated that it was borderline hilarious. I deleted my tinder app right then and there, exhausted from putting on my customer service face and nodding as this kid told me he hated things like [my totally visible] tattoos. We laughed until we couldn't breathe as I retold the story to make myself feel better, then I left and went home, never to hear from Peter Pan again.
4. The one that planned the date and never showed up
Funny thing about boomerang guy, Sex and the City put a weird romantic spin on him by creating the character “Mr. Big” that could never commit but still cared enough to pop in and out of Carries life. Well, I had a Mr. Big of sorts. The only exception was that he sucked. He'd come into my life when he was dating other people, he'd leave the minute after he said he had feelings for me, and (MY FAVORITE example) when we finally got the chance to date after 10 years and had the best date of all time, he booked it.
Not okay.
Unfortunately I'm a girl and often times we forget that our lives aren't rom coms or sitcoms or Nicholas Sparks movies. My Mr. Big was just a Big douche. After a stint in the hospital with no words from his end I got a “hey what's up?” text message. That's how it started. I wasn't nice, but he wore me down with little “I've missed you” statements and what such. He ended up asking me on a date to get sushi, just like we had done the last time.
Now, as much as I wanted to think it was because he was being nostalgic I'm pretty sure he was just being selfish and wanted sushi. I agreed to go, telling him to pick a time and place. We talked every day about it. The date was a little over a week away since we were both working full time and he was so (seemingly) excited about it. Great, right?! Haha, nope just wait.
The day for the date had arrived, and he woke me up with a “good morning beautiful” text. We texted cute things back and forth and finally, about two hours before he said he was going to start getting ready around 4 and I asked him to text me the address so that I could meet him at the sushi place he picked, he said okay.
I received no response after that.
I figured maybe it was because he fell asleep or whatever, so I waited since I still had to work. Plenty of time went by to keep me distracted but every thirty minutes or so I would go back and check my phone- and there'd be no response.
Well, about 30 minutes before the date was supposed to happen I figured I'd call him. I thought that maybe the ringer would wake him up if he was sleeping so that he could text me back, even just to cancel. I got the two rings and sent to voicemail. I was so excited for the date that I was trying to stall in any way I could, hoping maybe something else would happen, nothing did.
Finally after 45 minutes of stalling (PATHETIC I KNOW) I called, got sent to voicemail, and left one.
I never heard from him for the rest of that night- but was able to see he wasn't ill or struck by lightening (like I had hoped) because he was posting to his friends Facebook on his phone and it was popping up on my newsfeed.
Moral of the story: boomerang guys are no good, let them fly all crazy on their own, but when they come back for you to catch them YOU BETTER NOT BE STANDING THERE AND FOUND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME THEN WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO PROVE THEY LIKE YOU.
Get a new hobby. Try scrap booking instead because boomerang guy blows.
3. The one that called himself “Christian Grey”
I've told you once before, I don't like tinder. I gave it a shot and it was awkward- it either makes you feel really great because the person you green hearted, green hearted you too or it makes you feel awkward because you see people from your home town and don't know how to go about your decision making OR the people that you like aren't real. Lucky for all of you, this DB was very very real and not my choice by any means.
One of my party girl friends had had enough of her stupid ex and wanted to give tinder a try after hearing all my horrific stories. I'm assuming that she found them hilarious and wanted to make some of her own. Well, I drove to her place in the city for a chill night at her pad and when I walked into her place she dropped a bomb along the lines of, “so I met this guy on tinder and he wants to meet up tonight! He's cute and I told him to bring a friend for my friend, and his friend is cute too!”
Now, if you're like me being a wing man is fine, but you need to know ahead of time that way you can put your heart into it. I knew I'd have to give a very convincing performance to keep friend talking so my girl can get to know Mr. Tinder. WELL, I straightened my then purple hair and threw on a tank top and leather jacket. I didn't have a look I was going for, and I didn't really care about liking this bro, so I just decided to go as myself.
When we got to the bar after walking in the cold we went straight to the tender and ordered a drink. We looked around for anyone that looked remotely similar to the dude in the picture. As far as I was concerned, my guy could look like a turd on a Popsicle stick, I'd just make it a fun time.
Well, the bar was filled with Asians so we assumed we were being cat fished. Then we heard a voice call from the corner of the bar (RED FLAG) and there was the guy from her phone. Her swipe right guy. Next to him was a baby faced looking fellow that made me feel like I'd be babysitting instead of wing man-ing.
Well when he saw me he must have thrown up in his mouth because the night started off with this DB playing on his phone while my friend and Mr. Right swipe chatted it up. Only chiming in to hit on my friend as well. I wasn't flirting with the guy by any means. I had no Interest, but I did call him out on his DB behavior- sarcastically, of course. I asked him what he was doing on his phone since it looked like he was just tweeting and what such and he scoffed and said he was looking at his new house that he bought.
Great, my dude was a rich bitch diva type.
I rolled my eyes and went back to my cranberry and vodka. Suddenly I tuned into the conversation as my friend mentioned she had downloaded the “50 shades of Grey” movie, only to hear this rich bitch diva guy say AND I QUOTE:
“Oh my god I hate everything about that movie. Now S&M is all mainstream and I was doing that hardcore stuff way before any fake guy was! Everyone was afraid of it then but now they think it's sexy? That's so stupid.”
Suffocating my laughs I said, “so…. We should call you… Christian Grey?”
And he said, completely serious, “no, call me enter his name* because I'm the original.”
I still can't figure out what the universe was trying to show me with that cat. Maybe that it could always be worse? I excused myself to the bathroom and laughed until I cried- which he had to have heard because if anyone has heard my laugh they know that it's not something that's sneaky.
2. The one that wanted to take me to a friends birthday party… at a strip club, then spent $600 on a stripper by himself... in the back room…
The title next to the number is pretty self explanatory. For the most part he passed all the tests, very gentlemanly. He took me to the hospital after I was so hungover I died 1000 deaths at work, he paid for every date, he even LIKED watching Adventure Time with me. We talked about the weirdest stuff and it was awesome. We were two weirdos that got to be ourselves.
Well, about this whole “bro” trait that I possess, I wasn't fully aware of it until recently. I had always thought that it was a myth. Somewhere between romance and weirdness I was overpowered by the bro trait. He got all excited and invited me to go to his friends birthday in the city with him and the other guys, he wanted me to meet them and for them to see how cool I am. I agreed since I was self proclaimed as “the coolest”. The night came and I got changed and cute, hopped into his friends vehicle and started on the adventure to the city. We were passing around UV blue and his friends were rapping to beats that already had lyrics on the radio. I was excited to go into the city.
We stopped and picked up more friends and drank while the guys got all giggly and excited to go to a strip club- I made eyes at the one chick friend I had invited to do this thing with me and she was not having it. We had to take this super ridiculous ride many ways away to pick someone up and I could feel like she was not going to come with when we got back. Leaving me stranded, as a bro, with the bros and the beau.
Well, we went to the strip club, and it was very purple. Everything was velvet and there were chicks dancing on little stages with dim lighting. The boys sat around the stage as if they were at a concert or poetry reading and I sat back in a purple velvet chair. One of the waitresses in a bikini/skirt combo brought me drinks, while the beau thing threw money at the girl on the stage so she'd dance with the birthday boy. Since they don't make body condoms all I could pray for was that there was a Lysol equivalent I could spray him with before getting back in the car. Well beau was too busy throwing money at the topless stage dancer to pay for my drink so I went to the bar myself and ordered another one. I talked to the bartenders, talked to the waitresses, and met two gay guys that were fanatically entertaining. However, when I turned around to show them who I was here with he was no where to be found.
I scanned the area, there were his friends but no him. I panicked a little bit and ran down to the naked show to ask them where he was, and they stuttered that he might be in the bathroom or that they didn't know or hadn't realized he was gone.
All that adorable bullshit.
Finally, being nice and tipsy I went to one of the working girls coming out of the back room and told her to go in and ask for beau thang by name. My vision was slowly blurring around the edges giving way to the fire that was burning in my brain. I'm pretty sure the woman thought I was going to kill him with my bare hands. She was also probably super terrified since I was turning into the Hulk right in front of her, I'm sure that was pretty intimidating.
I did a few laps around the velvet area after no beau thang came out of the back with no luck. I finally threw up my hands and said “screw it.” I sat back down at the bar and took tequila shots with an old man and a bunch of drunk cardinals fans. I'm not sure how much time had passed before one of his friends said that he had “found” my guy. Have you ever poured alcohol onto a fire? Because after so many shots I was basically a walking flame. He on the other hand was drunk and playing very clueless. I linked arms with one of his friends as we walked to some weird warehouse bar/club situation ignoring the beau thang the entire time.
APPARENTLY that pissed him off. No sooner had we walked in than he was trying to dance with me, get my attention, make me laugh etc, and I wasn't having any of it.
I saw the two gay guys that I had met in my purple velvet hell and went and danced with them to the weird music. Dancing kept my mind occupied and distracted me from the fact the place smelled like a public bathroom in the middle of summer. Well, when our dancing subsided and I went to get a drink beau thang had bought one for me already. When I refused it, that caused the argument.
Drunken arguments are ridiculous. I can't remember the beginning of the fight but it escalated into him having a problem with me “being all over those two guys” and “flirting with his friends” to which I responded that what infuriated me was that I lost him for forty-five minutes at a STRIP CLUB. Something along the lines of “I just went back there! Why does it matter?! We aren't even dating!!” Maybe I threw some gravel? I can't recall. I know I cried because I'm the drunk girl that cries and that must of made him feel bad, because right before I passed out I went into his friend’s car that we had all rode in together and fell asleep on beau thang’s shoulder.
Well, we put the fight on pause.
When I woke up I was in his friends bed on one end, while beau thang was in the middle spooning his homie. I remember his friend’s mom singing Sia at the top of her lungs and that must be what woke them up. Then, beau thang in all his charm and glory said (to his homie) that he needed to check his bank account. After fidgeting on his phone for a few seconds, he said oh so casually, “dude- I spent $600 on that stripper and it wasn't even worth it”.
Ah-Dora-ble.
Needless to say, the second I got back into my car my best gals got a phone call with a run down on the whole night. At first they thought I was joking, then they thought it was hilarious. By the time I got back into town to visit my girl at her work her entire salon had heard about it.
There were never any apologies exchanged between the two of us, just acknowledgement that it was over. Only of course after he used my behavior as a scapegoat as to why we couldn't see each other anymore. I was flirting with guys and trying to make him jealous and that was too much for him.
*eye twitch*
Drumroll please, are you ready for the worst date of all time? Every horrid date that you've ever been on will suddenly feel like you had met your semi soulmate. THE WORST DATE OF ALL TIME AWARD GOES TO:
1.
The one that was in his 30’s, hated the idea of a full time job, lived in his mothers basement, only talked about conspiracy theories, couldn't pay for his own coffee, and then asked for a ride home.
You read that correctly. He is not a hobo and is a real person. All of those are actual facts from this date. I had just moved back from Springfield and was working at a shoe place. This guy and his friend came in and played with the children's basketball hoop in the back (yes, they were adults). The guy looked a lot younger than he was, and I was only 21 but he had two full sleeves and light eyes and wouldn't you guess, that's totally my type. I was on the floor though so I didn't flirt or say anything besides “can I help you find anything?” Since they were in the completely wrong section. He said no and starting talking to his friend as I walked back up to my post behind the counter.
When they decided to stop playing with the children's toy, he came up to the counter empty handed. His friend however bought a pair of shoes so I had to check them out. He made some awkward jokes and I just let it happen. They started talking about food and left (which I assume it was to go get just that). Five minutes later tattoo guy came back into the store and asked if he could take me on a date sometime. Since my boss was only an arms length away I said I couldn't really talk about that while I was on the clock. He wrote down his phone number on a piece of his friends receipt and left.
I was super excited- this guy checked out on all my physical qualifications. I texted him once I got off work and introduced myself. I didn't really worry about texting him all the time since I'm really really bad at that. He got to the point and asked me on a date and I agreed.
When the time for the date came around was when it started to get weird. He said he couldn't pick me up from my house- which was fine because I didn't want him to know where I lived, duh- but then he asked me to meet him at the riverfront. I was picking up vibes that were all over the place and was starting to not feel as confident as I had originally. When I met him at the riverfront he was standing under a pavilion alone, so I called for him from under a lamp post and suggested we take a walk to the bar on the corner and grab a coffee.
He ordered a cup of coffee and I was starving so I got my favorite salad. I don't care if a guy sees me eat food like a savage. I'm human and I eat like a pregnant woman, I've made my peace with that. We chatted for maybe ten minutes before I started getting weirder. I asked him about himself and he prided on the fact that he never had a full time job. He hated the idea and just wanted to travel in a van and never worry about bills, which would have been super intriguing if I hadn't of just found out he was thirty-four.
He then proceeded to talk about his conspiracy theories on the Beatles, he was dead set on all kinds of things which had me zoning out and wondering about the weather. While he was blabbering about Ringo I noticed an older man hunched over at the bar throwing his drink back like it was his job. He turned and made weird eye contact with me, smiled and turned back to his drink. I shook that off and turned back to the conversation that was going nowhere. He must have asked me a question because he had stopped talking.
“Did you want to smoke a cigarette?”
“No, I'm okay”
Then he went outside to smoke by himself, probably speeding his balls off on caffeine from the gigantic gas station coffee he had finished before he had the cup on the other end of the table. Well, while he was smoking the older English gentleman had taken a few shots and they had started hitting him. He turned back around to look at me, saw me alone, and came over to the table to ask me about my face.
“Your face is interesting to me, I've traveled all over and I've never seen anyone that looked like you before…”
Only he said this heavily intoxicated so there was a lot more mumbling.
He started mumbling to the point I couldn't understand him so I told him I'm not super exotic, I was born and raised in that very location. He went to the bar and sat down again, ordering more to drink. Smokey came back and we started having standard date conversation.
Me: So, where are you from?
Him: I've been a little bit of everywhere, I decided to move back to the area because I like it here.
Me: oh! So where are you living now?
Him: in _________, I live in my moms basement and I'm really liking it!
Me: well that's… Nice. How lo-
(Drunk English man comes back over and pulls up a chair at the end of the table)
Drunk Man: (to the date)): son, I need to talk to you
Him: yes? What can I help you with?
Drunk Man: YOU NEED TO KNOW!
Me: what? What do we need to know?
Drunk Man: (pointing at yours truly) ARE YOU TWO AN ITEM?! BECAUSE IF I WAS THIRTY YEARS YOUNGER I WOULD SHAG THE HELL OUT OF HER!
My face went sheet white. I excited myself to the restroom, grabbing one of my friends that worked there and demanding that he find a way for me to sneak out of a window or out of the back. I went into the bathroom and put cold water on my face, it was scarlet and I wanted to try and stay as calm as possible. I went back to the table and the man had left it. My date had signaled for the check and asked if I wanted to take a walk because it was dark I said no, and because this was the strangest date ever I said no. He then asked (once he got the check) if I could pay for his coffee, then went outside to smoke another cigarette.
Was this real life?!
I put my card in the holder hoping to just wrap it up and run out, but my date had already come back before they brought me the sleeve. I started stuttering that I had to go when he stopped me and asked,
“Before you go, would you be able to give me a ride home to _____? I don't have a car.”
So I took my date home followed by me never speaking to him again or that drunken English man again.
So there you have it! My top five worst dates of all time! My advice to people having bad dates everywhere is to always have your friend ready to make an emergency call to get you out of there or a window to crawl out of. This dating thing is a freaking jungle.
Until next time lovies!
Jess
