It's Okay to not be Okay by the Way
The worst thing you can do when you are grieving is take it out on yourself. Everyone wants to be tough enough that they don't feel feelings, but that's not how our bodies work. We are supposed to cry and feel sad just like we are supposed to laugh and be happy, it's just about finding some sort of balance.
Repressing sad emotions is not healthy. Imagine your skeleton, peel away the muscles and just stare at the bones. Now, every time you repress an emotion of sadness visualize your bones starting to fill with tar- toes first. Every time that you lie to yourself about your feelings the tar fills up higher and higher in your bones, eventually filling all the way up to the skull. You are suffocated my negativity. Believe me when I say it's harder to drain the negativity once it's reached the top than it is when it's only filling at the bottom.
Even though it's easier to ignore the feelings, don't. Yeah, you and your ex broke up months (or years) ago but it's okay to miss that presence in your life when the feelings come up once in a while.
You don't have to cry like you would while watching “My Sisters Keeper” but you can cry like you miss your mom on the first day of camp. No one likes to talk about it, but it's so perfectly normal.
The stigma behind crying is that it makes you seem weak and feeble- so wrong. The only thing stronger than “handling” your emotions is actually FEELING them. Afraid? That's okay. Sad? Cry! Just do it. No one is around to call you a baby, go ahead.
Personal Experience
For those of you that know me, you know I lost my father three years ago. For two and a half years I swallowed my feelings- literally. I blacked out way more than any human should, I got into mixing Xanax and alcohol, and making an ass out of myself. I went from small town girl to extreme party girl. I danced on bars, tables, I'd chug whiskey, throw stuff at people, and wake up in locations that I didn't even know existed. Anything and everything to avoid feeling my feelings. I would binge drink on antidepressants (btw DON’T DO THAT) and one drink equaled three and three drinks equaled twelve. So imagine what twelve would equal? Blackout Jess running around without shoes on, crying and drunkenly telling everyone my life story- did they ask? Couldn't tell ya.
My mom actually had to come down to where I was living and move me home. I kicked and screamed about it the entire time, whining and moaning about leaving my favorite job on the planet (sorry, Nordstrom- no offense) and leaving my little city. I found peace in a place I could be anonymous and ignore the situation I left in my hometown. Now my mom was taking me back to the real world where everyone knew me, everyone knew I had lost my dad, and everyone wanted to know how I was. That's when panic set in and I drank even more. I came back as the train wreck I was on steroids. There was even a point where I blacked out seizing on the ground outside the bar.
I continued to do this for a year and a half. Screaming my feelings at people that didn't need to know, and eventually it turned from sadness to rage and I took it out on everyone. EVERYONE. I took comfort in the thought that all I had to do was blame it on what I had drank the night before, it was my safety blanket. But eventually you realize after apologizing and repeating “I'm really not that kind of girl I'm so sorry…” That you've turned into that kind of girl- why else would I be constantly behaving that way?
So through lots of bad decisions and a downward spiral, digging at the 6 feet under and then diving even lower under the influence I saw a light. I was hurting the people most important to me by hurting myself and OH MAN was I hurting myself. Why? Because I had hidden inside a bottle for three years but had drowned myself in the process.
I really do have the most amazing support system. I cannot believe it's been 4 months since I went and got emotional help. I could have never done it without them holding me up. When people ask me what it's like, it's basically learning to walk again just with six people helping me instead of one.
I had to face my sadness instead of hide from it. I had to feel three years worth of the feelings I had avoided and it hit me like a wrecking ball.
It was horrifying, in therapy I would hide in the bathroom and cry- I'd run out of the room and hide. However, bit by bit, that toxic tar drained from my body. I had to sit in front of the mirror and look at everything id done and hold myself accountable. It was hard, and I'd recommend it. Face who you're hiding from, feel what you're feeling, and learn who you are.
Am I saying never have fun? No.
But part of growing and growing up is learning what you can and can't handle. I quit drinking for a month so that I could learn resistance. Now I can have a drink or maybe two, but that's all I want. I don't need to blackout to have fun. I don't need short skirts to get male strangers attention so that I feel wanted,. I want me. I want me here, alive, and healthy.
You Are so Enough
It's amazing how enough you are. You are a wonderful blend of awesome, sugar, and spice. Just enough to make the perfect type of you. Why hide from that? Don't be as afraid as I was, and if you are headed down a road even you are afraid of, get help. I mean it. You are your own worst enemy, but you are also your strongest guardian.
It's never too late to start over. You can feel alone, buried underneath all these emotions you don't want to feel- suffocating. You can also reach down deep into yourself, and emotional brick by emotional brick you can uncover the person you were always supposed to be.
So do yourself a favor and love who you are, what you were, and what you are supposed to be. It's a hard thing to face but do yourself a favor and try. It's better to start and face it than give up and fake it. (CLEVER!)
And remember that those that love you, near and far, are behind you 100%
Kisses,
Jessica Lauren
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