Dear Adele,
First of all you are a ferociously talented human being. There is not a song that you've sang that doesn't bring human beings to their knees drowning in their own tears over ex boyfriends they wish they could have that "one more time" with.
So focus on that: you are way more talented than I will EVER be, your powerful vocals and emotional lyrics literally took over the country in a matter of minutes. AH MAZE ING
But.........
So I was jamming to "Hello" in the car. (Can I call it jamming if it's more like straining my vocal chords pretending I could hit those notes and popping blood vessels in my eyes?)
But that's neither here no there, let's get back to the letter.
About two songs after "Hello" came on, "When we were young" came on. Now look here lady, I need to talk to you about this dwelling business you're putting out.
In "when we were young" the concept of yet another song is that you show up somewhere uninvited, to stand in a corner and stare at someone you dated years and years ago that it obviously didn't work out with. HELLO?! I can't decide if it's better or not if ALL of these songs are about the same person. I'm hoping they are about different people. They HAVE to be- the man that broke your heart most likely has several restraining orders on you and your die hard fan base.
So let's talk about "when we were young". You tell this other person that you loved at some point in life that you have had feelings for them all this time.
THEN WHY DID YOU BREAK UP?! Or at least taken a page out of the Friends guidelines and taken a break.
I feel that you're wanting too much here. I've dated plenty of humans. Well, dated-ish... Whatever, and once we broke up THAT was IT. So imagine how weird it would be if I showed up to my high school ex boyfriend's work party and stood in the corner watching him because he "looked like a movie".
Creepy. It would look CREEPY.
There is no way you can miss every ex that's hurt you. Because they suck! You're ADELE for Pete's sake and they dipped out on you? Rude.
So I need you to clarify how you can justify it not being ridiculous when you called someone 1,000 times just to tell them "hey man, sorry bout breaking you're heart that one time! Man that was a doozy! Anywhere I'm over here being Adele making billions. How are you? Still staying in that town that nothing good happens in? Excellent. Well hey I guess this is the thousandth message I've left so your voicemail box is probably full. Maybe you've changed your number by now? Who knows! At least I can say I tried!"
Adele, do you realize that if I called even ONE of the men I've dated to leave a message like that, I'd have their wives ready to hunt me down and kick my ass? You need to stop putting these weird crazy ideas in girls heads. That's a big fat no no little lady. Emotional eighteen year old girls are going to continue to attempt to infiltrate inhabited relationships because HE LOOKED LIKE A MOVIE, AND HE SOUNDS LIKE A SONG... When they are in fact YOUNG and when I was YOUNG I was still trying to figure out my pant size and what I was supposed to do with a thong.
I can't park in my exes driveway and sing power ballads in the rain or yodel out in a field covered in fur because I miss someone... Let them go! They don't belong in your life anymore.
There is no doubt in my mind you can sing someone's face right off, maybe that's why you can get away with bringing your flawless face into an exes life because you felt like it (and have great frequent flyer miles I'd imagine from all this stalking...) but the rest of us cannot do something like that without facing a court order.
I guess what I'm trying to say to you, you gorgeous cat eyed billowing goddess, is that you need to woo-sah a little here. Let the past be the past...
In your case your past can be one hell of a paycheck... So
TO THE FANS OF ADELE:
Only she can do it. She can big bad wolf blow her exes houses down with the notes she hits and look into their souls to make them feel remorse for hurting her.
We cannot. We are normal average human beings. So go back to stalking your exes on Facebook and then blocking them again like the rest of society- while crying to Adele.
Yours Truly-
Jess
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